25

It feels like forever since I last wrote on here when I know really it was more like a couple of weeks ago. Life has just been going so fast lately I've not had the time to just sit down and write anything. 

Today's my 25th birthday and honestly I feel no different. Why is it the build up to your birthday is more exciting than your actual birthday? Is that just something that happens to me or does it happen to everyone once you get older? Don't get me wrong, celebrating my birthday on Saturday with all my friends was amazing and I had a brilliant time but today all I want to do is nothing, stay in bed and hope the day goes by quickly. It just doesn't feel like my birthday at all. 


Can we all just take a second to appreciate how amazing my step-sister made me look on Saturday though?

Just a tad drunk..

My sister moves out in a couple of days to start her new chapter in university so at the moment all her and my mum are doing are nit-picking or arguing about everything and I'm generally so sick of it. It's just boring now, everything we both say to my sister is wrong so that's why I haven't really bothered with her, I mean, what's the point when everything just turns into an argument anyway? I just can't be bothered anymore. 

I know this post is just me ranting, and I know I should appreciate what I have already but I just feel nothing. 
Do you guys ever feel like this?

Hello September


Where has the year gone already? How is it September? How am I 25 in 16 days? Oh god, I'll officially be the halfway mark to 50, how scary is that?
The last part of August has been pretty uneventful in terms of stuff happening honestly, mainly focusing on getting myself out of that low spell, which I'm doing, slowly but surely. My motivation for the gym is still pretty non-existent and I'm napping more than usual which I know isn't good for me in the long run, but do you ever get so tired and so irritable that you just have to sleep it off? That's how I feel 99% of the time. 

This weekend though, I like to think I've been semi productive. I found someone on gumtree to 'fix' my back garden. I say 'fix' but really I mean just give it a tidy and yes, I know what you're thinking; "Why didn't you just do it yourself?" Well, because I'm lazy honestly. And why does it matter if I did hire someone to do it or not, I've made someone else happy in exchange for some pennies, and they've made me happy by transforming the fuck out of my garden. I mean look at it, it looks a darn sight better than what it did:


Before:


After:


Obviously there's still some work that's got to be done in terms of making it 'look pretty', but I'm happy with the way it turned out, although I did feel better considering it rained yesterday and today it was sunny.. The guy doing the garden didn't seem to mind though and I made him plenty of cuppa's to get him though. 

After the garden being done the weather seemed to clear up which was nice and me and my sister went to Tesco's for a mooch around. It's nice we're talking again (long story short we had a falling out but I won't get into that now) I got excited because of some cleaner I've been wanting to buy for a while but after showing it to my mum and getting "No it's too expensive" as a response I decided to take matters into my own hands and buy it myself. 
I don't know if you guys have ever tried Method anti bac but the wild rhubarb flavour smells delicious and cleans like a dream (#NotSpon). And for £2 rather than £4 it was a steal honestly. 


Needless to say, I woke up as early as my body would let me this morning and spent four hours cleaning my kitchen to within an inch of its life. I don't think I've ever seen it so clean honestly. As you can see above, I've almost used half a bottle but that sprayed down all the worktops, cupboards, oven, microwave, inside and out, bread maker, coffee maker, kettle.. You get the drift right? I cleaned a lot.

Although it seems my sister doesn't know how a dishwasher works because tonight after a nap I saw she'd left a saucer on the table, unbeknownst to me, the bloody thing was full of milk for god knows whatever reason, which proceeded to go all over the floor I had cleaned earlier that day, and I literally cried over spilt milk. Eventually, I saw the funny side but it is frustrating when you spent literal hours cleaning for it to be ruined within seconds, y'know?

Any who, I didn't really do anything else that productive today. Mum treated me to lunch at ikea, she had meatballs, I had chicken (standard Laura) I literally ruined ikea meatballs for myself after eating them for three days in a row and making myself sick, now I can't stomach them, genius.. 
We went to B&Q and I got excited because I bought a pretty new hanging basket to go in the back garden so at least there's a little but of colour out there. I also wrote some courtesy notes to my neighbours basically apoligising in advance for the noise that's going to happen when I have people over for my birthday, just seemed like the right thing to do, y'know? I like to think they'd appreciate the gesture at least. 

I'm gonna spend the rest of the night cuddling my cat. Happy Sunday. 


 


Today's a Scorcher

It's a little bit hot outside isn't it? It's around 27°C outside right now, (around 80 Fahrenheit) and for a plus size princess, the heat and thicc thighs do not bode well together. 
I've spent the bank holiday weekend sat in front of my fan, naked and in the dark, preying that I cool down soon without the relief of a cold shower or dumping my boobies in the bag of ice we have in the freezer.

Don't get me wrong, I've been productive, at home in a sense, if cleaning and throwing things out counts as being productive. Honestly, it's way too hot to even consider doing anything right now, for me anyway and because of the nice weather everyone is going to want to go out and do something so everywhere will be too packed to do anything decent anyway. The heat paired with screaming chilldren is not my idea of fun. 

Image Source

I am hoping we still have decent-ish enough weather the time around my birthday though, otherwise my bouncy castle idea goes out the window and that will make me a little sad, I won't lie. (20 days to go, yay!) I'm just hoping it's not hot enough to the point that my make-up is going to melt off my face.

I don't know what it is about planning things but it just makes things more exciting for me, is that sad? Like, the build up and then the whole event and seeing how everything pans out is far more satisfying rather than not putting any thought or effort into something and then having a disaster strike with no back up plan is my idea of a personal hell honestly.

I really hope my motivation makes an appearance this week again too. I haven't been to the gym, I've been eating nothing but crap, which makes me feel even more crap and I just need to get out of this mindset again really because I can feel myself spiraling a bit and I don't want to go down that rabit hole ever again. 

Tomorrow will be better. (And cooler, hopefully).


 

When it Rains it Pours

Like the title says, "When it rains, it really does pour." Remember when I was having such a good day and everything was going really well?
Well that feeling has since gone done the toilet. 

I'm not sure what's really happened but since Monday I've not been feeling right. I feel sick, my headaches are worse and I'm barely sleeping which I guess is taking its toll and catching up to me. I also had an asthma attack Tuesday night which woke me up. I tried so hard to function on barely two hours sleep which is not my idea of fun. 

I'm calling it the 'Fluoxitine Flu'. I read up, which I know is the worst thing you can do, about the symptoms I've been experiencing since being on these meds and they pretty much match flu like symptoms and I've just got to wait it out which is great. But, they also match serotonin syndrome symptoms which worries me because I haven't missed any medication at all and I've taken the dosage reccomended by my doctor. I think I may speak to my doctor again if these symptoms don't ease up soon because I feel worse than I did before. Maybe I'm over thinking it? I mean, some flu like symptoms have been going around lately, so I've been told, but I'm not sure. I'm one of those people who needs the opinion of a 'professional' to ease their mind. 

I think I'm going to take an early night and listen to an audio book or something because I really don't feel up to sitting at my computer at all right now. 

Will update you all soon xo


 

Everything went Better than Expected

I did it,  I went back to work for the first time in six weeks. Yeah, it was only for four hours, but it's something. It feels weird to be back, kind of like I was never off for all that time at all really, but I know it's going to take some time to get back into the gist of things. 

I'm not really sure how my hours are going right now since I'm on a 'phased return' kind of thing (If you don't know what that is, it's where you go back to work but at reduced hours rather than full time) but I haven't discussed with my bosses what hours would be best for me. Honestly what I did today would be lovely but I'd be losing quite a bit of money if I did that. I have to think though, what's more important? My mental health or money in the bank? It's not like it's a forever kind of thing anyway, I guess it something I need to think about. 

Otherwise though I've  had a pretty productive day though, even if I did come home and nap for two hours..

I cooked dinner, deep cleaned some cupboards, which were over due a good bleaching by like twenty or so years honestly, and I still have a bleach fumed induced headache.. Helped mother with some shopping. It's not been a bad day, and even though it's 11:30pm now and I should probably be in bed since I got to be up in five-ish hours, I'm in a pretty good mood for once and it's nice. I can't remember the last time I felt this good? It's weird, like taking full body pictures in the mirror at work? Something past Laura would have never done. Ever. 

I'm not sure how the rest of the week is going to go honestly, but I'm already looking foward to the three day weekend this week, thank you Bank holidays. 

OH. I also got my tutu for my 'quarter life crisis' birthday party I'm hosting in September. It looks absolutely ridiculous and I love it. More posts about that soon!

I think I might treat myself to a chocolate cookie the size of my head, I feel like I deserve it. 
Take care of yourselves and Goodnight my sweets xo



 

Dread

After having almost six weeks off of work I'm finally going back tomorrow, and honestly, I'm sort of dreading it. I'm so worried I've forgotten how to do everything and everyone is going to be asking questions and I'm worrying I won't cope but I know if I don't go back tomorrow I never will.

I've spoken with my doctor and they've given me this kind of sick note where they recommend reduced hours rather than having more time off so I'm going to speak to my manager and see what I can do. 

I think going back to work will be good for me and getting back into a routine will be good but I'm absolutely terrified. 

I just keep telling myself I can do this. 
I can.

... I hope.